I
stopped wondering why boys do not like me the way I want them to like me. I am
completely aware that I am not entirely physically attractive, I am also aware
that I am annoying, short tempered and sometimes harsh. I can’t control my
emotions, my words and my actions. I am impulsive, loud and clumsy.
I come
as uninteresting to boys in my school. I
am not interested in video games, and I do not plan to pretend to like them. I
am not that desperate. Sports do not entertain me, most especially basketball,
the sport which boys in my school absolutely love. Rap and hip-hop music makes
me sick, so there is no way I can relate to them and vice versa. In short,
things that typical boys like bore me, and my school is filled with typical
boys.
I have
this theory that most typical boys like typical girls. For example, the
hot-shot basketball player/singer, guitar player/attractive academically smart, student body officer/etc would fall deeply and madly in love with the elegant pretty girl/friendly petite girl/the talented, confident and nice girl.
Don't ever believe Disney movies, the chances of a hot MVP guy, or a talented, cute boy liking a chubby, emotionally unstable girl with anger management issues is very very slim. If you're an awkward (Not the annoying-12-year-old-girl-pretending-to-be-awkward kind of awkward) teenager like me, boys will not like you. Not a lot of boys find awkward, weird (the legit kind of weird, not the omg-im-a-girl-and-i-like-the-color-blue-im-so-weird-haha kind of weird.) and stuttering girls cute. You only see that in movies or shows.
Okay, maybe I'm being a little pessimistic here. Not all boys are like that, I know. But me meeting a boy (a STRAIGHT boy) who appreciates quirkiness, books and intellectual conversations is kind of...impossible, well, in real life, maybe.
I know I shouldn't be even thinking about these kinds of things, but it's hard not to when all of your friends and classmates have been in a relationship and you haven't even got a boy to look at you in a positive way. Maybe I should just shrug these thoughts off and carry on with my life. Yeah. Maybe I should.
Dear Regina,
ReplyDeleteI understand completely in your situation. I'm like you, sometimes I feel self-conscious that my jumper is oversize and my hair look’s like Sadako, but usually, I just let it pass. I’ve never been in a proper relationship or don't dread to be in one, because there is no reason to rush up a relationship. Teenage relationships don’t last long, don’t forget that. Three months and they split, so I generally take no notice and scroll past relationship posts on Facebook.
Don’t listen to whoever who tells you who to be, because they don’t have the right. Typical boys go for typical girls, that’s true. They are teenagers and have an ideal partner in their heart, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow their guidelines. They want to go for attractive girls, let them be. It’s usually for erotic desire or whatsoever reason – a short term relationship. If you act you, and they fall in love with the you you, you’re going for the long run. The long run is always better even if it takes longer.
I’m not an interesting person to boys too. I don’t have their hobbies on video games or sport, but it doesn’t hurt to make friends. People don’t find me attractive as a girl, but usually a mate. Still, I hate their music, I hate how they try everything cool, still, they are not the same, human in general. Once in my lifetime, I find people ordinary (typical). Their hobbies nor their music appeals me, and for once in my lifetime, I thought of giving up, I thought that my conversations and opinions should be kept to myself and to myself only, because they don't understand. Because they're all so damn typical and no one is particularly interesting enough for my attention.
But I was wrong. I was so wrong that whenever I reminded myself that this theory used to exist in my head, I would possibly run to every human being and apologise them. That's not true, people are not typical at all. Even teenagers or children. I understood that by the various things around me. I close my eyes for a moment, and become a wallflower. Simply observe, and you see they’re all kind and lovely human beings if their first word to you isn’t, ‘Fuck off’. No one is as typical as they think. Not even you, Regina. You are special. People don’t think of you positively because they don’t know you, and if you and them repel each other, you two will forever look at each other with judgemental eyes, not knowing how awesome you two would have been together.
You say it’s not impossible to find a boy who appreciates quirkiness, books and intellectual conversations… I think it’s possible. Maybe you already met one, but you don’t know of. I have met one, there’s this boy who swears a lot around his friends, and he looks like one of those rough, tough people who tries to be cool and I didn’t think of him as a very respectable figure. But after several events, he isn’t. He fits into your description, really quirky and likes it when people are quirky, I start debates with him during class and a book lover too. Although it didn’t fit perfectly to a normal person’s to-date-list because he was loud in class, strokes his bottled drink like it was his lover (I mean, what how do you even), swears a lot, likes a music I didn’t like etc. You just need to meet people and don’t judge a person by what they like, don’t think of them as typical, and possibly, everyone could be as unique as they can be.
With infinitives of love,
Germaine.
Thank you for pointing that out. Thank you, thank you. I know high school or teenage relationships usually don't last, I know because I see it start and end all the time. I don't want to get involved in that kind of relationship. I never planned to, and I never will. Because I'll probably end up being the clingy girl, I'll probably end up being the one who gives effort in the relationship, I'll probably be the only one who actually likes my partner genuinely. And I think I'm not mature enough to be in a relationship, I honestly have imagined myself being in one...and it felt really weird. Hahaha.
DeleteI know I shouldn't be even thinking about this, because it's not important, but it's hard, you know? It's really hard. Stupid hormones! Go die! PEW! SMACK! KABOOM!
You're incredible, Germaine. I'm glad I know you.
x