I want to reinvent myself. I want to turn into the person I could never be when I was in high school. I want to isolate myself from everyone once in a while, without the feeling of being judged by my-so-called "friends". I want to be able to feel secure on my own, without the hands of my extrovert "friends" around my neck.
I want to go to museums, antique stores, libraries and bookstores without thinking that my "friends" would get bored. I've never been exposed to different people when I was in high school, so I was stuck with people who never knew the real me, who joined whatever gimmick they had in mind, because, what choice did I have? I didn't want them to hate me for not going with what they think is fun. But don't get me wrong, I love them, I just don't love what they love, or what they do. I felt so trapped whenever I was with them.
I felt so small, so shallow.
This time, if I'm going to reinvent myself, I have to choose the people I'm going to spend my time with.

I'm finally graduating high school. I don't know if I should be relieved or scared, because at this point, all I could think about is who I'm going to be in college.

Will I be in control of my change? Will I even notice my changes? 

I don't want people in my past to see me differently after a few months or years, and if they will, I want them to see me differently in a good way, of course. But how? Should I let go of myself in the real world? Should I keep to myself and stay on the safe side like I did in High school? Nothing's wrong with taking risks...but there's nothing wrong with being safe, either. 

I have no idea...where...I'm....going....Fuck. 

I want to inhale every word
and savor every syllable
of every literary work ever existed.

I want to take pride in every friend I have made
and in every place I have been
I want to show the world my battle scars
but at the same time hide them behind my sleeves
afraid that someone might steal my adventures

I want to stick my nose
in these buckets full of serendipity
and tuck myself in bed
with a longing for more
more
more

You don't understand. There are some things in life that you love so much, you cannot bear to see other people love it too. You don't understand because you have never loved anything as much as I did. There are things you can share with people, and there are things that you can't. You are one of the people who only likes things because it's "in" or because you think it'll make you a cooler person. Well, news flash, it won't. It will only make you look more desperate to climb on top of the social ladder. People like these are so frustrating. Find your own passion! Find your own talent! Find your own hobby! It doesn't matter if it's cool or not, jesus please.

I crave to be part of your adventures

and yearn to be part of your life

But you push me away with your tidal waves

when I know you're made of ripples

I crave to be part of your adventures

and yearn to crawl into your bed

but you choose to be with the lions

when you could have been with me

I crave to be part of your misadventures

and yearn to hold you when you're broken

but you push me away with your tidal waves

when I know you're made of ripples

I crave to be part of you

be your limbs when you can't reach

be your eyes when you can't see

but you choose to be with the lions

when you could have been with me

I feel like I am the most unwanted person here, and I feel like I'm easy to replace, easy to forget. And I think that it's the most painful feeling in the world. I don't like being the second choice, but in my four years of high school, that is all I ever felt.
My friends never give importance to me, well at least I don't feel it. It feels like they're treating me like a person who's just there. Someone you can approach when you have nobody else to be with.
And it's sad because I can never tell them how I feel because I am not sure how they will react to it. Will they give me the attention and love I want or neglect me even more?
And I'm scared because when I leave for college, I don't think I will even cross their minds, when they will be crossing mine all the time.

What did I do to deserve this? I try so hard to be liked. But even my best effort is not enough. I'm not sure if I'll be anyone's first choice, ever.
Hopefully I can find friends in college who will appreciate me better.

I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen to me in the future. I'm not talking about college, or work or family. I am talking about myself.
Will I still be the same wide-eyed (or not-so-wide-eyed) girl who finds the smallest peculiar details the most fascinating things in the world?
I have been so preoccupied with school and responsibilities that I haven't been even trying to spend time with myself, to indulge with the things I love doing. I have turned into the person I hate, the person who puts Algebra and Physics first, rather than the more wondrous and bewildering things I find in my fiction books. I know in the back of my head that numbers and units are far more important than turning my back on the world and locking myself in my room and reading a nice work of fiction. But I know in my heart that these are the only things that will make me truly happy.  
I don't want to turn into a corporate zombie in the future, doing paperwork, finishing files and documents, but I know that these will help me get through the wear-and-tear of life. I want real paperwork, I want to get ink stains on my fingers and clothes from all the writing, I want to get paper cuts from all the reading and revising. I want manuscripts stacked on my table, and an understanding boyfriend who will deal with my sudden nervous breakdowns.
But I know these will never happen. I know I'd end up choosing the easy yet the wrong path, because this is how the world is now. Artists are unappreciated, while accountants and engineers are worshiped.
I guess, I do have an idea on what is going to happen to me (and the world) in the future.
And it's downright depressing, I tell you.