I always thought that Love would come to me wearing a suit and tie, holding roses, smiling from ear-to-ear, pushing his hair back shyly to ask me to be his girlfriend. I always thought that Love would leave a basket full of chocolate-dipped strawberries at my door whenever we have a petty argument. I always thought that Love would smell like vanilla everyday, because he knows it's my favorite scent. I always thought that Love would always try to impress me with his quirky facts and his secret stamp collection that he hides from his friends. I always thought that Love could cuddle with me in bed all day, rubbing his nose on my face as I try to fall in a blissful sleep, knowing he's beside me.

But, Love came to me, hiding cowardly behind a text message, asking me to be his girlfriend. Love would force me to apologize for something I did not do, Love could last days without uttering a word to me, not unless I admit my mistakes. Love smelled like beer and cigarettes, even thought Love knew I hated him for consuming such toxic things. Why would he let these things destroy him when he knows very well that I want to preserve whatever beauty he had left? Love never listened. Love never wanted to do what I thought was best for him. Love stopped trying to impress me when I said yes to him on the 23rd of June. He would come to our dates dressed in a white shirt, worn-out shorts and flip-flops. Love would tell me how many cigarettes he had smoked, how many bottles he had drunk, and how many failing marks he had in his university. Maybe Love wanted me to cure him, maybe Love was trying to tell me it's impossible to fix someone as broken as him. Love would force me to stay up with him over the phone, as he drunk his way to sleep, leaving me hanging to whatever knives and daggers his mouth has released.

I don't have anything to write. My Commnication Skills professor taught me that free writing is the best way to develop one's writing skills and I'm training to do it more often. I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write. She said that it doesn't matter what you say and what you write as long as your thoughts keep on flowing, if the thoughts get clogged up in your brain just write I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write. I like this concept because it exercises my mind and I like that it helps me I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write, it helps me think more freely and honestly I don't feel pressured at all because I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write I don't have anything to write, because I am free and I am liberated to write anything and everything that comes in my head and it's amazing, sometimes the results I get are really I don't have anything to write I can't think of an adjective, are really surprising because I didn't know I could write or think like that.
Free writing is so cool I hope I develop this soon

This is just one of the many times when I'm so inspired to write but I have nothing to write about. 

So here is something I wrote without stopping or even thinking. (I should do this more often)

I'm stuck. I don't know where to go, I don't even know where to start. I'm trying to become who I want to be, but the problem is, I have no idea who, or what. So I'm trying to wing everything I do now that I'm in college, since college is the perfect time to find yourself, after all. But I'm scared. What if I keep on trying and trying new things until I end up in the wrong place? What if there's no turning back from this point? I'm scared to go on, I'm scared because I don't even know where I am and who I am right now. All I know is that I'm stuck and fucked up. I want to let go of these feelings in my gut but how will I when I don't even know what these feelings are? I feel so empty inside and so unexposed to the people and things and the infinite knowledge around me, I have no idea where to start. I want to change but I have no idea what to change in me. I'm so fucking terrified of myself, I don't even fucking know who I am right now and what I'm doing all I know is that I'm doing what I'm told to do and I'm doing what I know is right but I know that I'm not doing anything for me and it's fucking scary and I'm fucking terrified. I want to pause and reflect but I don't even have fucking time for myself. It's horrible and I hate it I hate it I hate it. I want to go back to wherever felt like my home or wherever I felt like I truly knew myself. 

People will always tell you that rejections are part of life. Those words have been said a million of times already that I chose not to listen anymore, not because I didn't believe, but because I thought I knew how to handle having the door shut in front of you.
Boy, was I wrong.
I thought I knew how to accept the fact that I am not cut out for something, like not winning a contest, or not getting into my dream school. It happened to me, it happened to everyone. Rejections are normal, rejections will always be around the corner. I get it. We all get it. We all know the drill.
I thought I am an expert in swallowing my failures since I have been through a lot, but no words can encourage me that not getting into the publication is okay. 
This is my first ever heartbreak, and it's kind of hard to deal, but

UGH I CANT EVEN FINISH THIS BLOGPOST FOR MYSELF THIS SUCKS SO MUCH

And I know very well

How it feels to get your hopes up

And only getting it torn down

By someone you love

And I know very well

How hard it is to forgive

Someone you may never trust again

With her "I will's" 

And pinky swears

But I know you very well

And you know me

And I know that this poem 

Sucks

But you know that

For you, I will try.

I'm sorry.

I love you. 

Goodnight, my sweet
rest your almond eyes
The sun will come tomorrow
forget the pain
forget the lies

Goodnight, my sweet
rest your almond eyes
one day I'll wake up
next to you
and that would suffice

Goodnight, my sweet
rest your almond eyes
one day I'll be there
when you're crying
I'll be there when your pillow dries

Goodnight, my sweet
unclench your scarred fist
one day I'll be there
when all the pain
and all the lies
turn into mist

I think I need to set goals this summer, so I wouldn't wind up complaining and blaming myself for spending  two whole months doing nothing productive. And I can proudly say that I did well last summer, I achieved almost all of my goals, and I'm more than willing to set new, and more challenging ones.
I am shamelessly admitting that I want to become the person magazines challenge me to be. (Be brave! Be ready to take risks! Don't be afraid of change! Yada yada) It's a short life, after all.

1. I challenge myself to strive for a slimmer, healthier body.

-And how can I do that? I don't have to torture myself in the gym, by running on boring treadmills and breathing in the smell of sweat and manly tears. I can walk my dogs in the small town I live in, I've been residing in my town for almost 7 years now, and I still haven't explored it, I mean really explored it, at all. I guess it's also a nice way to say goodbye to my town and to my dogs before I leave on the 24th for college. 

-By the time I get to Manila, I'd probably jog along with my siblings, or cruise on a Pennyboard which my mom will buy me as soon as we get there. I don't think skating will help me get slimmer but at least I'm outdoors, and that counts right? 

    

      2. Continue playing football

-I'm just glad I get to continue playing football in Ateneo this summer, it's one of the things I looked forward to all year. I love being in my dream school and being around with great people.

      3. Prepare myself for college

-I need to think of who I want to be in college, without lying to myself and others, before I actually step into the biggest change in my life. So far, I have no idea. I do want to grow out my hair, shamelessly wear my glasses again and be really active. So that's a first, I guess. 

      4. Write more, read more

-Reading wouldn't be a problem, but I think I need to take reading into a whole new level, I don't know what exactly that means, but I'm in the process of figuring that out. Writing, though, would be a bit of a challenge, what would I write about, for starters? I outgrew fanfiction, (hopefully not, though!) and I feel like poetry isn't for me, (but I'm still trying), God, I don't know where I would be in my writing.