It's 4 PM and we have exams on Tuesday and here I am thinking of what could happen if I just let myself go. No second thoughts, no choices or options, just me doing whatever the fuck my heart wants me to do.

I want to fall in love with you and talk to you every night over the phone, I want to tell you that I love you and I want to hear you say that you love me, too. And then the next day we will realize it wasn't  real love after all. And I will realize that I am fifteen and dumb, and you'll realize that you're sixteen and dumb and we'll laugh it off and move on with our lives.

But I still desperately want to wake up and find myself beside you. And I'll fall asleep again because I'm not afraid of not knowing whether or not you're real because I know you're real, and what I'm feeling is real, and what you're feeling is real. And we're oblivious teenagers who know nothing about love but we still dive in anyway, because we're so fucking oblivious and being oblivious is fun but painful in the end. But the pain is the one that reminds us that we're human, and knowing that we're human makes making mistakes a little less scary.

But I can't let myself go. Because I know I have better things to do than fall in love with you. I am too much of a coward to take risks. I am too busy looking for something remarkable to do in my life. I am too busy trying to be significant to the world. I am too busy trying to make myself happy even if it means hurting myself and sacrificing the people who love me. I can't let myself go. I am too much afraid of the consequences. I'm staying on the safe side. I'm doing okay here.

I think.